awakencordy
20 February 2014 @ 10:05 am
My PMS schedule has always been like a clock, you see. It misses a few days in December/July because of seasons change and those ones go very hard for me because of settling but other than that I'm like a clock.

Except this month. Boy, it's been too long that I was late and it's eating my psyche. Today's minus seventh day and I'm a little ball of rage/tiredness. I'm always chewing someone up and down, my tolerance to stupidity was already low but now it's nonexistant and Istanbul is all along not nice to me either.

Last night I got home at 1AM and I was nearly crying with how worn I was. There's a massive fog on the city for a few days and last night was its peak. Everything slowed (stopped) and with both my ankles aching badly, it was too much. I maybe cried a little bit, I lost count when I couldn't walk anymore.

Today I am so tired and unhappy and I hate everything. I argued with two idiots in the morning while getting to bus, which was a lousy start already. And let me say that I do hate lovebirds on communal stations. I get that they are in love and can't stop touching each other with all their dramatic eyes and everything but I don't want them in bus stations hogging the line. I don't want them at all, even if they don't hog the line and stand near me. They always, always look so funny when they hug each other for so long with hooded eyes and everything and ugh. Restaurants, cinemas, streets and everywhere are fine with me, I don't give a damn to couples normally but NOT AT STATIONS JFC.

Also one of my friendship had a huge blow this week. (Not the one I spoke about last) I don't know if it'll survive through this because it broke one of my cardinal rules. And trust me, I don't have that much.

My grandma's staying with us this week and home is a crazy town, so I heard. She's scared of cats and Mustard can't understand why someone suddenly screams whenever she sees him. Poor thing is so confused it's adorable. Last night grandma told something bad about living with a cat and I heard Dad defending my cat, it's so cute.

I can't wait for weekend to arrive. After last weekend I really need to lie down and have some rest. Getting up so early 5 days a week started to have its toll on me and I need to recharge.
tired
Melanie C & Emma Bunton – I Know Him So Well
 
 
awakencordy
In the last few years I have learned a lot about myself. As a person who was very possessive, I learned that I'm also very free and sharing. I'm glad to know that I'm learning new things about myself everyday and I'm very happy to have my friends to share this with.

Talking about friends and learning about thyself, my best friend has a boyfriend now. How it's different is, they are going serious every day and it's so very strange that if affects my life too. Isn't it magical how a third person can affect your life without even talking to you? I think it is.

I'm watching their relationship like a study on human behavior and to see that what my mom told me for years coming true was an interesting thing to feel. She has always said that once my friends find their significant others, life would change. (A la how Mrs. Hudson said; marriage changes people, relationships change people.) They both were right.

It's not like we've been on each others arms every day, all day, we've been past that phase. It's just that it's different now, somehow. It's been gradually changing already but since he came into the picture, it took many fast turns without a break. I turned from best friend into an emergency friend: the person you speak to when something happened or something changed. Your closest confidant, your safe haven. The one person you know who's there, whether her life changes or not.

It's both sad and happy at the same time, life is amazing like that. It reaches to a point that I have to go and poke her to say something happened to let her know something happened (Which sometimes even that goes unnoticed) from where it was natural to seek each other out. And as a person who doesn't make a notification newsletter out of her life, this is kinda stalling. This weekend we had a death in the family and all weekend I was dealing with that, busy with it, which made me think about all these things. How you become happy that your loved ones are happy; to realize that it wasn't a myth, being happy for them. Many years ago one of my other best friends was happy for me that I found some another best friend, I now understand her with perfect clarity. She was happy for me, truly. (And I'm glad she's still my best friend.)

Back then, I used to think that everyone gets one best friend whom you share yourself with. Last few years made me realize that we're so much bigger than that, with hearts that can love many people, how can we give ourselves only to one? Impossible. I'm now content to feel that I have many best friends. And knowing this helps today, which is a bonus.

Keeping friendships are harder than keeping lovers, I learned. Sometimes you wait for however long for them to realize their worth to you, but they never get that. Sometimes you give, give and give but get nothing in return. Sometimes people leave you even though they say they love you. Sometimes they accuse you with the love you feel for them, and hurt you. Yet you love your friends and you never stop even if they hurt you. This is more madness than being in love. And having a strong friendship with someone, knowing that it's all still good but somehow changed and changing and is going to change is better than nothing. Because the worst pain is to be left behind, and I lived that several times, from so called loved ones. That's why I always had to be prepared, whatever their adjectives might have been. And I'm glad. Maybe this is how mature friendships are: when people find their spouse, you evolve and learn to take a step back.

It's of course hard and I'm not used to this emptiness but it's not bad. It's not sad. I'm happy for my best friend, and I'm slowly preparing my mind to what might come ahead for her, for us. And with acknowledging that relationships do change people, I'm kind of scared what would happen if I can't find anyone when everyone around me does. I'll have to make some new friends if that happens. Oh joy.
thoughtful
le temps de cathedrales
 
 
awakencordy
I didn't know that we could send entries via e-mail, cool. I might use that from now on, more frequently at least. Business here around about other websites while working is kind of weird, I'm still not used to it. Sometimes people are surfing through world wide web constantly and like crazy. Yet sometimes everyone goes crazily hush hush about it. I feel like a freak with how I can combine both, positive sides of working for a long time I guess.

Did I tell you I found a new job? I'm now working at a good office, Pearson & Hardman style. It's big, it's always busy and I'm having fun. There are people who are close to my age (which was a thing I nearly forgot having) there are laughs and serious times and I like it. My workload is not that crazy, at least for now. Some days I feel like I can't do everything at the same time but then I handle it somehow.

I have two bosses now, one the owner, the other is the senior partner. Senior is in this building all the time, owner visits once a week, he works at the other building. I want to think I'm getting along with both of them, even though people here don't like Senior that much. I see where they come from but as long as he doesn't cross me, I see no reason to fire my guns.

The reason I'm here is to think about what might happen in a few days time. The thing is, I kind of got promoted. It's both a promotion and a punishment, though.

There's a division here solely working with a set of clients, consisting 6 people. Was consisting 6 people, that is. The last chair is kind of cursed: whoever gets it decides to quit the job within a month, at least. They all say that the workload is crazy and they don't like this person (we'll call X) in the group. X is second in command in that division and from what I've seen an asshole. She's extraordinarily selfish and has no limits to make it seem that she'd done all the work while you did it. To top it all, their leader (we'll call Y) is such a silent, uncaring and submissive person that I'm kind of disgusted with her. They have an intern under their wings that does shit, she's the master of sitting on her ass all day long. I've seen with my own eyes when she was trying to give her bespoken work to another intern. These three kind of make me uneasy with their work ethics.

On the other hand, the last two of the group are such hardcore girls: ambitious, funny, caring and lovely people. Especially with one of them, I'm kind of becoming buddies, she's such a lovely person.

Senior Partner called me in to his office last week and sat me down, saying that he's thinking about transferring me to that division, for that sixth table. He also told me not to speak about this to anyone, adding that he was thinking of radical changes to that division. Which made me all frowny. I told him that I was somewhat uneasy about this thing; pointing that I've heard some rumors about the unfair workload within the division. (X, Y and the intern not working at all) He kind of got gobsmacked with this but I saw no reason to hide it: he knew it, I knew it, whole office knows this. And I told him that I never had to work with them so if this is true and I knew this as an outsider, it must be that bad. So of course I had my reservations about it.

He told me that they didn't have that much of a workload, that it was just perception. He told me that four of them didn't know any heavy workload in their careers and that was why they were moaning that much. (Interestingly enough, fifth one -the good one, we'll call her G-) told me that the workload is not actually that heavy, it was just that there was no organisation and X and Y was making it difficult for her. She even stated that if I was with her in that group, it would be so easy.) He told me that he needed someone to force her way in get shit sorted out. He really said this: he wanted me to sort that division out. Which means it'll be nasty and dirty and I'll have both enemies and friends and I'm too old for this.

In the end I told him I'd do any work I've been assigned to and I'd try my best but I wasn't feeling quite sure about that. At least he knows about my doubts.

To be fair though, it's an area I have never worked at, that's one of the reasons I'm frowning a lot. It's all e-mailing back and forth, legal advicing through divisions, contacting sub-clients all over the country and organising their stuff. No courthouse, no hearings, no meetings. It's all you typing stuff in your computer, 24/7. They say e-mails flow so constantly that they can't breathe at all. They work weekends a la home office sometimes. This scares me more than workload: to not being able to breathe and be all work work work.

Personally I like doing my job, then have a breather, be it internet or a little fic or writing someting. Not that much, 15-20 minutes, like a smoking break. I like clearing my head and then work again. I like having time to organise my work, I like being on top of everything. And the picture they're painting me unknowingly is very scary. Add this to unpleasant people and I'm not sure if I want to transfer there.

I don't have the option to say no without trying, it's obvious i'll do my best if I go there but I'm kind of scared losing this cute balance I had over the years. At the same time I know that every people measures business to their own strength and mind/skill set. Some people are slow and steady workers, some are fast and easy. I know I have the chance to be made for this stuff, and maybe it won't be that bad but waiting is tiring. He told me that he'd speak with the owner and it'll be cleared this month, so we'll see. He's now looking for hiring new lawyers, it's either for my spot when I get transferred or he's looking for that spot already. I'm just anxious.
anxious
bastille - poet
 
 
awakencordy
18 November 2013 @ 05:25 pm
I'm kind of happy with where i am now. I was silent on purpose, had to come to terms in my mind first. Bullet points ;

. I moved back in with my parents. Mom needed some attention and help, they also needed a big part of my salary for family stuff every month and I said yes. So i moved back in, back to my old room. I set some ground rules and luckily no one have crossed them as of now. Mustard is much happier, that's a sure. He's now got a huge home to himself for reigning his kingdom.

. I'm now reading more and more books everyday. I created an account over GoodReads and I love it. I'm mostly reviewing in Turkish because someone has to review all that LGBT books I read in Turkish too. I play in English in other venues of the site though, maybe in time I'll switch my reviews to English too.

. I started to see a doctor about my health, my possible diabetes, my insulin stuff and my weight. It's been 4 weeks now and I lose 6 kgs (13 pounds). He's a nice guy, he doesn't change my schedule that much and he doesn't ask for me to go be a gym freak all day. We worked out a schedule which doesn't bore me and that matters the most. I need to lose 32 kgs (70 pounds) more. Yeah, I was in a bad situation. Beginning to this road was my 2013 resolution and I'm glad I started. I hope to reach my optimum health in 2014.

. One of my books is going to be published. I have been crowd funded by my readers about one of my books getting published. By the end of November I'm planning to decide which one it's going to be and start editing it. Then I'll send it to publisher and more professional editors will get their hands on it. I'm kind of excited about this but it still doesn't feel like it's real. I think I'm not going to believe it happened until I hold the book in my hands.

. I quit from my job. Well, this was unexpected. Not in the way that it came out of the blue, no, it was just wasn't planned. In my head I was going to look for a new job while still working and I was doing it fine for the last two weeks. But last Wednesday I just had enough with that boss man and I couldn't deal with him anymore. He wanted me to sign some documents labeled with "I own the hard copy". I asked him if we had the hard copies, he started yelling at me in front of the whole office and told me to get out. While I was packing my things to get out of the office for the day, he called me back in again and told me that we didn't have all of them and he was signing different. If I didn't ask for the hard copies, I'd sign them like that and well, not cool. I spoke with other bosses the next day, retelling all these, saying I'm getting out of there. Because I'd been tolerating that man enough and if I stayed on more, I'd lose my temper then got fired. I don't want that on my resume. So yeah, since Friday, I'm without a job.

. I (kind of) quit Twitter and I'm so happy about it. Sharing my life minutely on the internet to people I don't know about started to make me feel cranky. (I'm talking about my Turkish accounts) It's just.. Last night I didn't see the point anymore and frozen my accounts. I'm of course still keeping my awakencordy one because that is my personal one but i think I'm kind of fed up with minutely sharing. I want deep and meaningful stuff. While changing my life all around, I thought getting rid of my twitter persona was also a good decision. I disconnected everything to those accounts and I feel good. I'm now mainly on goodreads, here and tumblr and that's it.

. I'm going to enroll in drawing lessons. This was my 2014 resolution, getting back to drawing, but I pulled it back a month and started looking for courses yesterday. Someone needs to pull my strings and make me move forward about it. If I let myself be alone in this, I'd get better with much slower pace and I don't want that. Also having a different crowd would do me better.

. I'm thinking about switching to English in fan fiction and not publish my original work on the internet anymore. This is something I really need to think about and I think I'll make up my mind come December. I just wanted to make a note of it.

So yes, that was me :)
 
 
awakencordy
04 September 2013 @ 05:13 pm
Something happened last night but I'll write about it tomorrow after I speak with my roommates. What I can write about now is, today my bosses wanted to have a meeting.

I'm going to vacation on Friday and I'm busy with setting up my work for my week of absence. August was also my raise month, but I didn't get any and they didn't talk with me about it. I said yes to meeting and closed the door.

In the last month, I closed a file worth more than 300 grand and I've been waiting for my additional premium. It would be a big one and it'd be very nice to have before my holiday. The meeting went totally the opposite way: they told me that file wasn't included in our additional premium deal and I wouldn't get any.

I honestly do not recall any exceptions to our additional premium deal and when I said this, when I said that there was no exceptions, they told me that I was remembering it wrong. I repeated my point of view and told them that no, they didn't make any exceptions, they ended the conversation insisting I remembered wrong.

I just, can't. Additional premium deals are usually verbal in here and this is such bullshit. I'm not after my premium most of the time but since this file was big, I was kind of happy. Of course they'd play dirty, who is surprised, seriously.
numb
murray gold - mad man with a box
 
 
awakencordy
28 August 2013 @ 05:07 pm
And I breathed nice for a change. Last night I was a mess. I met up with cancoydu to blow some steam off. It helped a little but at home it escalated even more. All in all, it wasn't a nice evening and while crying and shaking, I saw a lot of things more clearly and decided upon them. Office was the first thing in that list:

The boss who hired me in the first place returned from his vacation today. And after a few moments of pleasentaries, I got to the point and started to talk about everything I don't like in here. I told him that I was speaking with him about this because after my week off next week, I want to start fresh.

He wasn't expecting the ambush (clearly) but I didn't give up and I didn't care. At first he thought I was talking with him about the raise, but no. Plot twist. I told him what the other boss makes me do, or doesn't even let me do, I told him how our interns are not doing ANYTHING AT ALL, I told him how my workload is huge and I'm now drowning under it and he couldn't hold me responsible.

He was positive and he listened to what I said. I know it won't change a thing, but at least I showed him I'm not good with this situation and it has to stop. He said he'd hold a meeting about everything and try to resolve these things. Maybe hire another lawyer. I don't care anymore. I just want to be good until I go from here.

I also told him that I want to get out of here after office hours. When they hired me they told me it was 6.30PM and I didn't believe them. It would be okay with me if we worked until 8PM every night but no, they just hang out in here and keep us inside too. If you try to go out at 6.30 every day, they start to talk about their traditions as an office. They honestly keep all of us in here until they decide to go. And it's killing me, I don't want to deal with this anymore. So I told him. He didn't accept it right away (still!) but he knows my point of view. I just can't believe how they are about this. I have to make excuses to get out at 6.30, WHAT.

Anyway, at least I tried. They'll either fire me or move on. We'll see. Also, I'll crosspost my entries to Twitter from now on, as well. Last night I saw nearly all of my (old) LJ friends stopped posting here and they follow me on Twitter, so yes. AND HEY, I READ ALL OF MY FLIST DESPITE WHAT I SAID YESTERDAY, GO ME.
irate
steve carlson - blind
 
 
awakencordy
27 August 2013 @ 01:55 pm
I've been meaning to have a solid entry and then read my friends lists but since I have this little OCD-ish thing to read EVERYTHING and knowing I don't have the time for that, I can't start reading flist. Eeep. If I start from the middle, I always feel like a bad person.

So you tell me, how are you? With this stress building up inside me, I know I'll be here more often than not because my friends get bored with that very quickly, this is maybe the 3rd round with this. YOU'LL BEAR WITH ME, JOY. :D

*slowly peeks at the flist, tells herself 'no pressure'*
curious
josh groban - alejate
 
 
awakencordy
05 July 2013 @ 04:38 pm
Is it bad of me to enjoy the hardships of adulthood? I feel accomplished when/if I get over them or solve my problems. Luckily most of them are related to money and it needs only patience and hard work. Honestly, my job helps me a lot about it: seeing people dealing with harder stuff than mine helps. I see so many stories in a day and I'm always grateful in the end.

I can't make my ends meet since I moved out, though. It's bugging me slightly but I'm giving it a couple of more months to sink in. I still don't know how much money I pay for the bills. Starting from this month, i'm going to keep a journal about it to learn about my expenses. I have to save up money, I feel restless when I don't have any backup money. Hopefully I'll learn about my new economic situation by the end of August. I got really angry at myself when I had no money left in my hands in the end of the month.

There's also the house situation which I just can't even. In September my sister is (hopefullu) coming back to Turkey for good and I don't know what to do with this house situation. She wants to share with me, my family wants me to share with her, at the same time my roommates don't want to let me go and I don't to leave them either. It's a fucked up situation. Also there's a studio home for one person and mom offers me that too but it's so far away and I'm already fed up with my traveling time. So I just don't know and want people to decide for me. I know for a fact that if my roommates don't change the location of our house soon/next year it'll be an effective reason for me to rethink about my situation with them. Because I can feel getting more fed up with my traveling time everyday. It's about to border on a serious situation and I know myself.
restless
adele - if it hadn't been for love
 
 
awakencordy
24 June 2013 @ 05:20 pm
Today mom accompanied me to work. It was in another city and it's a summer-holiday kind of a city, so we went together. It was nice: we had sun on our back, sat by the sea and relaxed a bit.

We've been talking about how I was working non stop over the years and while sitting by the sea, watching people sun bathing and taking a swim I realized how tired I was. Yes, I did get my week offs accordingly last year, but in 6 years, it was the only week long holiday I was able to take. I changed jobs so swiftly that I couldn't earn that week and I never had a "in between jobs" phase either (which is a good thing, i know.)

Last year I took my week off to Paris. And used my other week partly to different countries. I'm definitely not sad about that, it was my resolution and I'm so lucky and happy that I got to do it. But it was tiring. I never sat down and relaxed. I was buzzed up with happy feels when I got back home and that kept me going.

Until today. I'm bone deep tired and I need to have a breather. It's scary that it's my mom making me realize that. She's been wanting me to take a week off to have a holiday by myself for nearly a year now, but these weeks she was getting pretty insistent about it. I guess mothers really do know best.

After realizing that tiredness and giving up, (giving up, yes: I'm not a person who can sit and do nothing. I'm not a person who can sit by the pool all day, I just can't, I always have to do something, my brain should always be busy) mom excitedly took that chance and crossfired everything in her already-planned out mind. I was pretty ambushed, let me tell you.

She is an amazing woman. In the end, I conceded and promised her that I'd take a week off after the court holiday in August (my bosses want me to be at Istanbul when they use August to have their own holidays and I say yes) book a luxury hotel i can afford (she even said she'd help me if needed) buy an "all included package" and have a week to myself. She wants me to forget my job, forget my writing, tells me to take my phone and nook and that's it. And I said okay. Okay, I'll do that. Let's spend some more money which I don't have but yeah, let's do that.

Once I got to office, I researched, took notes on most possible venues. I know most of the venues already from our festival years so it was like "i missed this hotel and maybe this too but this was too small, so no." After making my budget, I marched to my boss and told him to pick up a week from September to give it to me. He accepted it and he'll arrange schedules. I even told him that if he doesn't answer me until Friday, I'll remind him again and then pick one week myself, he laughed and said okay.

So yes. I'm planning a week to myself and hope to God I can make it.
hopeful
civil wars - the one that got away
 
 
awakencordy
21 June 2013 @ 01:51 pm
I love living with girls (K and S) and the only problem is our cats. It's reaching to a point where I feel nervous when I leave Mustard home alone and get scared if my roommates forget the security measures. (It tended to happen a few times.) Especially this month I really, really don't want to leave both of them alone without my supervising but no can do. I have to be at my parent's home this weekend, for example. It would be fine if Mustard was all alone, he'd mostly cry his heart out but that would be it.

The thing is Mustard and White never got along. Not ever. They were mostly peaceful since March but this month it got bloody, literally. White pawed Mustard's eye and there was blood around. I got scared she got to his eye but luckily no harm was done to eye. After that, I gave up hope for peace. Mustard doesn't go for blood, he rarely attacks first but after that eye scenario, I saw him attacking first too. He's scared of White and his nervousness makes me sad. My cat has not been happy since I got here and I'm very sad about this.

White doesn't accept Mustard and lashes out, that's her problem. Mustard's is that he can't sit locked in a room when there are other people in the house outside that room. I don't know if that grew when he was in that vet shop or when he was locked in the car that one time when people tried to buy him. He is strongly allergic to closed doors when they are closed on him. He doesn't get angry or anything, he just cries and cries and cries. He never stops. We tried waiting him out more than once (at other home) and he didn't stop for 2 days, non stop. He's very strong willed about this and I accept that about my cat. As long as you leave the door ajar, he's the most peaceful thing. He plays by himself, he runs the house if he gets excited, he talks by himself or at me, but that's it. He's a normal 1 year old cat as long as you keep the door open.

Thankfully White is fine with sitting in a room for a day, that's why I haven't packed out of this house. If she would cry like Mustard did, I had to leave here because here is not a standalone 3 stories home, it's an apartment and it bothers other people. (I have been warned once, already.) Let alone I don't want my roommates' ears bleed. They say they don't care when Mustard cries but I care. a) I don't want him crying and b) I don't want anyone listen to that.

White is also trying to dominate Mustard and that shit ain't going to fly with my cat anymore. He tried it the first day but when White rejected him, he dropped that plan. White is always trying to sabotage Mustard's space and it's tiring even me. She poops in Mustard's litter, she pees in Mustard's litter, she eats Mustard's kibble, she drinks Mustard's water. I don't leave kibble to Mustard unless I can see him eat all of it. He is a cat that when his litter is dirty, he cries me to clean it up. And after weeks of this he is now holding his poop or pee and I'm sad about it. He meeps when he gets into his litter to find another poop or pee and he gets out angry every damn time. He even started to not cover his poop completely.

I don't know what to do. I get honestly anxious when I leave home every day, I check for cuts and bruises when I get home and never mind I always, always find new ones in every damn new check. I'm responsible for him and I'm ashamed that he always checks his back while eating his kibble. And he only eats it solidly if I'm in the same room with him.

He's still strong, happy and he trusts me, I know that. But this is a growing problem and it's not getting easier. Their fights are now brutal. I don't let them see each other anymore (and hope that my roommates do the same when I'm not home but cuts tell me otherwise) and when we're out for our jobs, we keep White in her room while Mustard has ability to roam the house so he doesn't cry.

K told me that in coming weeks she had to open her bedroom door in the night because she can't sleep with only one window and she needs wind flowing. I know she can't sleep unless there is wind and I know that my cat will not allow to be closed in one room with me for a whole night. He'd cry until his lungs give out and it would be fine if this was my parents house but this is a fucking apartment and I can't let him cry.

Again, I don't know what to do in the long run. I don't want to live in a place where everyone has to check for doors and locks and measures. I don't want my cat to feel unsafe. I just don't know.

Today I thought of bringing him back to my parents for the time being. At least until me and my sister can decide for our future. But my parents leave the door to garden open. They can't control it with the summer flow, everyone gets inside and outside a gazillion times in a day. And I don't want Mustard to be let out because the neighborhood is safe for us but not for a house cat. There are cat gangs and they are violent. So that is not an option either and I know I'd go nuts while he was out, so no.

So yeah. This has been a topic that has been bothering me for a few months but reached to a point this month. Sigh.
anxious
george michael - jesus to a child